Cliff Golden’s New Approach To Dxating

1. Spiritual connection

This is something I heretofore neglected but is now paramount: we must have an ineffable connection that transcends earth, the universe, and whatever comes after the universe. Our spirits must fuse, and for this to happen we must have great sex. Unfortunately, I am unable to have great sex with anyone over 110 lbs, so this woman must max out at this weight. Also, I’m mostly sexually attracted to brunettes of the Brazilian variety, so it would be best if she were one of those. A 110 lbs (or under) Brazilian brunette, so we can have great sex and therefore be spiritually connected, which I hold most important above all else.

2. Selflessness

An altruistic, selfless quality is immensely important as I embark on my new search for a soulmate. Perhaps she works at a homeless shelter once a month, or, better yet, for a non-profit. If she does, I would like it if she were at least above manager level, perhaps even director. It would be great if she were in charge of fund-raising, as she would get lots of perks and a large expense account that would benefit us as a couple. For instance, we could enjoy some free meals and Knicks games, all thanks to her high ranking position and magnanimous nature.

3. Compassion

My future soulmate must possess a compassionate soul for all living things and an empathetic approach to life. This means she will not only have her perspective, but will understand and feel the others too. She won’t step on a spider because she feels compassion for that spider’s life. She will not judge me when I come home at 4 am, stinking of absinthe and perfume – it’s not my fault I’m a wandering Lothario. The gift of understanding, of seeing from another’s eyes, is so rare and beautiful, but I am determined to find it.

4. Good relationship with her family

While this may seem trite, it’s important to me that my lover has a healthy, loving relationship with her family, since I’ve found this to be such a foundation for positivity in a relationship. It would be great if this family were wealthy – like, oil tycoon wealthy – and if my love would be in the possessionof (or, at least in the very near future) a considerable inheritance. Such wealth will make having a good relationship with her family that much more meaningful.

So in conclusion, I’m looking for a a 100 pound or under wealthy Brazilian nymphomaniac with ticket connections who won’t care if I cheat. Oh, and the spiritual stuff.